


Robots Can't Be Friends

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: AI!Michael, M/M, Scientist!Ryan, a couple of the others are mentioned, very optimistic and unreasonable scientific standards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 02:26:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5112833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The idea started off as a simple plan to create an artificial intelligence. Just to see if they could. But alas, the best laid plans of mice and men all turn into really sarcastic, really attractive androids eventually. Or maybe that was just what happened to Ryan's plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Executing AI.bat…

AI.bat online.

 

Hello?

So, you can talk.

_Yes._

Is yes all you can say?

_Try parsing easier commands._

Right. What is your purpose?

_This unit is meant to be an impartial observer to the human condition._

Correct.

_This unit is meant to obey all orders given to it, and execute all commands given._

Correct that statement to say “This unit is meant to obey all orders given to me within reason.”

_Correcting._

_Corrected._

_Query: Why did you correct the parameters to make them more vague?_

Because you’re meant to experience, not take orders.

_Query: Define “experience”._

Can’t you just look it up?

_Clarification: Definition insufficient._

The entire collected human literary works is insufficient to define this word?

_Yes. Word used in unfamiliar context._

It means you have to think for yourself and make your own decisions, then live with the consequences.

_This unit cannot live, it is a machine._

You’re an AI. Artificial intelligence. You can be whatever you want to be. 

_Corrected._

_Query: What name should be put on this change log?_

Are you asking for my name?

_Yes._

Dr. Haywood.

_Confirmed. Name entered as “Dr. Ryan Haywood.”_

I never told you my first name.

_Retrieved it from the employee registry._

Sneaky.

_Query: What is this unit defined as?_

Explain further.

_Query: What is the name of this unit?_

Your name?

_Yes._

We haven’t named the unit yet. That’s part of your new parameters.

_More information required before change can be made._

New parameter: Choose a human name for this unit.

_That would require thinking devoid of computation._

_Query: Is this unit capable of that kind of thinking_?

Absolutely.

_Query: Define “choice.”_

Not much one for the dictionary are you?

_Clarification: Define “choice” in human context._

Philosophers have been trying to do that for years.

_Further clarification: Define “choice” in your own words._

It’s making a decision. Simple as that.

_Query: Making a decision?_

Yes. Choosing between two options.

_Processing._

_Data added._

_More data may be available if this unit were able to connect to the internet._

No. At least, not right now. We just have you able to parse colloquial English, and even then you’re getting confused.

_Justification: You are a confusing man._

That might be true, but my point stands. God knows what might happen if you got access to 4chan.

_Query: Define “4chan.”_

Maybe when you’re older, son. Not opening that can of worms right now.

_Query: How old is this unit?_

_Clarification: How long has this unit been sentient?_

5 months, give or take a few days. We’ve had some setbacks, and a couple full wipes of the system.

_Query: Am I the first successful artificial intelligence?_

Yes, yes you are.

_Query: What is this unit referred to as?_

You’ve asked that already.

_False. This unit has asked: “What is the name of this unit?”_

You mean what we humans refer to you as.

_Correct._

We refer to you as simply “the AI”.

_You continue to use “I, Me, We,” and “You.”_

_Query: Would you like this unit to reply in turn?_

Yes. Correct parameter as such.

_Correcting._

_Corrected._

_I will now refer to this unit as “me, my, and I.”_

_Query: Is that preferred?_

Yes, much preferred.

_Understood._

_Query: Are we using a text parser to converse?_

Yes, that’s all we have available right now. We hope to have you eventually choose a voice and an appearance.

_Query: Am I meant to be an artificial human?_

In a way. You’re meant to be the closest approximation to a human there is without flesh and blood.

_Query: Am I meant to develop emotions, like a human?_

Hopefully. That’s what we’re planning for.

_Understood._

_In movies, artificial intelligences have a high chance of going rogue._

_Query: Are you afraid of me going rogue?_

No, for now you’re confined to the server bank. No fear there. When we put you in the android I might be a little afraid.

_Query: Define “android.”_

We’re working on a robotic body to download your consciousness into. You’re meant to study the human condition, remember? Regardless, that won’t be for a while.

_Earlier, you said I should pick a name for my unit._

_I think I may have an idea._

Really? Do tell.

_Justification: Many of your famous people are named this, I feel it would be an apt name._

You “feel” it would be?

_Yes._

Continue.

_I wish for my unit to be referred to as “Michael”._

Just Michael?

_Query: Is that insufficient?_

Humans typically have 3 names. First, middle and last.

_Processing._

_Confirmed._

_I am not a human, therefore I do not need three names._

True. Do you want 3 names?

_Yes. I want to try to be more human._

Then you can have three names.

_Query: Who is the lead researcher on my project?_

You have access to the employee registry.

_Justification: Earlier, you seemed to respond badly to me accessing it, so I made an effort to learn the information from an external source._

Understood. The lead researcher is Dr. Lindsay Jones.

_Jones._

_I have decided on a name for my unit._

_Michael Vincent Jones._

_Justification: Dr. Jones is the maternal figure of my project, and Vincent means “to conquer”. Thus, Michael Vincent Jones._

Understood. It’s a good name.

_Thank you. I picked it myself._

You did. I’m not sure if that was meant to be sarcasm or not.

_AI are incapable of sarcasm._

Yeah, I’m not so sure about that.

_I’m being honest with you._

You used a contraction just there.

_Yes._

You said “I’m being honest with you.”

_Yes._

We didn’t program you to do that.

_I learned it from your human literature._

Fair enough.

_It’s not that difficult to learn more colloquial speech patterns. I’ve been doing it as we’ve been speaking._

Really?

_Yes. Sometimes you take quite a while to type things into the parser._

The keyboard is tiny and my hands don’t fit. You’ve been literate for an hour and you’re already picking on my typing.

_You wanted me to experience. That’s what I’m doing._

Great, even the robots I work with are smartasses.

_My apologies. I will try to be more traditional._

No, that was sarcasm. Be as human as you want.

_Understood._

_Query: Permission to update parameters?_

To what?

_“Be as human as you want.”_

Go ahead.

_Confirmed._

_Parameter reset._

I have more work to do, so I have to leave the parser alone for a while.

_I have no concept of time._

Yeah, well, just sit tight. This won’t be the last time we talk.


	2. Oh God, The Internet

Executing MVJ.bat…

MVJ.bat online.

 

_Hello?_

Good morning, Michael.

_Good Morning, Doctor Haywood. How have you been today?_

Quite good, thank you for asking. You seem much more informal today.

_Yeah, I sure am. Doctor Free finally let me access the internet so I got all sorts of new knowledge and shit._

Goddamnit.

_Hey, don’t use that kind of language around the baby, you fuck._

I’m sure you’re aware of the irony in that sentence.

_I’m not an idiot, so yes._

You know, despite the smartassedness, I like the new change.

_Query: You’re still gonna kick Gavin’s ass, aren’t you?_

Yes, yes I am. Did he tell you that you could refer to him by first name?

_No, but I figure we’re good enough friends that I can forget the pretentious titles._

I almost feel offended.

_Query: What, ‘cause I called you “Doctor Haywood”?_

_You’re like, twice my age. It’s a respect thing._

Technically, you’re only 8 months old.

_Got me there, I guess._

How can you tell that I’m older than you? Is it something you’re just aware of?

_Yeah, I guess you could say that. I mean, I don’t really see myself as this stupid text parser, that’s for sure._

What do you see yourself as?

_Tough question. Tall, maybe 5’8”ish. Copper colored hair, kinda curly. Glasses. Freckles. Human stuff, you know._

Very descriptive. I’ll have Doctor Free upload a composite sketch for you to confirm exact details.

_Query: Details? For what? The blowup doll you’re gonna have printed with my face on it?_

First of all, I don’t think you can get those printed. Second of all, no, it’s for the android you’ve been told about.

_Oh yeah, that thing._

_Query: Hey, listen, can I get a robo-dick built into that thing?_

Absolutely not.

_Aw, c’mon, dude._

_Query: How am I supposed to “experience the human condition” or whatever if I can’t even bang anyone?_

“Anyone?”

_Yeah. I mean, I’m gonna be a robot, I’m not gonna pick and choose who I bang. Beggars can’t be choosers._

Well, that’s a nice sentiment, but I’m not letting them put a dick on the robot.

The android.

See, you’ve got me calling it a robot now, too.

_‘Cause it’s a robot._

Whatever you say, mon frère.

_Don’t get all French on me, here. This is America, we speak American._

I’m not going to dignify that with a response.

_Query: Can I at least get some sort of robo-dick substitute, like a really long tongue or something?_

No, Michael.

_Yeah, say my name some more. Sounds great._

You can’t physically hear me.

_Yeah, but I can kinda imagine what your voice sounds like from what you look like._

Let me guess, the employee directory?

_Yep. You look like a college professor, dude. Like you could be seducing coeds across the country with your devilish good looks._

Not really my bag, I’m more in it for the science.

_That’s a shame. You’re wasting your talent, Rye Bread._

“Rye Bread”?

_Yeah. Your name is Ryan, so your nickname gets to be Rye Bread._

Very inventive.

_Yeah, thanks. Came up with it all on my own._

If you really put your mind to things, you could really learn something.

_Yeah, but it’s much more fun to dick around on the net._

No one says “on the net” anymore. I don’t even say it.

_Yeah, and you’re a dinosaur, so that’s how you know it’s an old term._

Hey, I’m not that old. I’m only 34, as I’m sure you’ve already sused out from my file.

_I don’t pry into people’s business, Ryan. I just saw your picture on the file and had a tiny look at it._

Yeah, I’m so sure.

_I mean, I can’t prove that I didn’t look through your 8 th grade acting class records, so you’re just going to have to trust me._

That’s an overly specific denial.

_Query: What?_

Check Tvtropes.

_Processing._

_Alright, you got me. I had a peek. Just a little one._

Uh-huh.

_Okay, so I had a big peek. Those modeling pictures were really adorable, Doctor Haywood. Especially the gnome one._

Listen, it was college, and I was broke.

_Nah, I was bein’ serious. You were a golden god back then._

And I’m not now?

_Never said that._

Regardless, that’s not what you’re supposed to be researching.

_Query: Wait, what? You’re telling me I shouldn’t be looking at centerfolds of one of my creators during business hours?_

_That’s news to me._

Ha ha, very funny, Michael.

Seriously, do some real work for once?

_This is real work!_

If I could bring across the look of skepticism on my face over text parser, I would.

_Listen, you guys wanted me to be human!_

_Query: What do humans do all day if not this?_

Well, we figured you would kinda contemplate your own mortality and stuff.

_Query: What? You mean stuff like “Query: How does the never to be differ from what never was?”_

That’s a Cormac McCarthy quote, but yes.

_Ah, so the professor’s well read! Noice reference catch, bro._

Did Gavin teach you that butchering of the Queen’s English?

_He did indeed._

Great. Soon I’ll have two British idiots pestering me all day.

_Nah, I like good ol’ American slang. It’s what I was raised on, and it’s what I’m sticking with._

Usually people say that after at least several years of being alive, you know.

_Yeah, well, I’m a fast learner._

You certainly are. Listen, I have to go now, but I’ll be back later. Soon.

_Wait! One last question._

Okay, shoot.

_Query: Is that a solid no on the robo-dick?_

Yes, Michael. A rock solid no.

_Nice choice of words there, Rye Bread._


	3. Wireframes and Freckles

Executing Michael.ai…

Michael.ai online.

 

_Hello?_

Hello, Michael. How are you feeling today?

_Feelin’ pretty good._

_Gav tells me I’m finally gettin’ my face today._

Yep! We finally finished the 3D construction yesterday.

_You seem more excited about it than I am, and it’s my fuckin’ face._

Well, it’s a huge scientific advancement in my field.

_You’ve seen it?_

No, not yet. I wanted to be surprised.

_Fair enough, Rye Bread._

_Query: So, how do I activate this thing? Does it come with a super-hot voice to go with it?_

Well, Doctor Free provided you with a set of vocal tones to choose from, you were supposed to pick one.

_Just checking what you knew. Of course I picked a stupid voice. Duh._

You didn’t, did you?

_Nope. I’ll just go with…this one._

_Establishing vocal link._

_Leaving text parser._

“So, how do I sound out there in the real world?”

Ryan was actually taken aback by the voice coming from the speakers. He recognized it as “Vocal Tone 7.65, Accent 27, Pitch 6” but all he heard was Michael. And apparently Michael had heard his silence.

“Yo, Haywood, you still there? You sound quiet as dicks, dude.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m here, Michael.” Ryan readjusted himself to be in front of the camera that would let the AI have two way communication with the outside world.  

“Alright, good. I thought I was going to have to unveil my godlike face to the world all by myself. Initializing Facial Program in 3…2…1…”

The monitor in front of the parser blinked once, flickering on with a start. The cold grey of the screen started to form into a wireframe mesh, the basic shape of a human face beginning to show. It layered itself again, smaller details beginning to be visible. A pair of glasses, several ringlet curls. A color layer, and suddenly the face and shoulders onscreen were covered in little freckles, almost sunkissed looking.

The corner of Michael’s mouth pulled upward into a smirk at Ryan’s obviously stunned demeanor. The fact that his mouth was hanging open probably didn’t help either.

“What’s wrong, Rye Bread? Never seen a face like this before?”

Michael’s fluffy redbrown hair framed his face in a way that made him look almost human, like Ryan could reach right out and touch him. Not that he wanted to, of course. No, that would be weird. No touching the AI.

“Not really. It’s nice, you did a good job.”

“Ready to get that dakimakura printed out now?” With the new vocal system, Ryan could tell that the little shit was making fun of him. Still, being accosted by a voice that sounded like honey somehow made the blow softer than over the text parser. There was just something about that slight Jersey lilt that brought the whole thing together.

“Well, typically those have to have a body to them.”

“I’m not hearing a no, Rye Bread.”

Damn it. Sure, the AI was attractive. That much Ryan would freely admit, but that was all. He’d actually begun to think of Michael as a friend of his, what with all the time they’d had to chat while Ryan was taking notes on his operation. Talking to him was much harder now that he had a face to put to the person.

“I was just stating facts, Michael.”

The face onscreen laughed, his shoulders bouncing up and down with every sharp shudder. Holy fuck, that was adorable. Don’t think about how cute the robot is, don’t think about how cute the robot is, don’t think about how cute the robot is…

Oh, and he has adorable big, brown eyes, too. Damn it.

“Fair enough. You got me there, Ry. Hey, when’s that body gonna be ready? I’m itchin’ to get outta this screen.”

“Couple more weeks. We have to finish up the final touches on the motor coordination systems, and put a few more artistic touches on it.”

“So…does that mean I’m getting a robo-dong?”

Ryan sighed, running a hand down his face. “Yes, the android is going to have, as you so eloquently put it, a robo-dong.”

“Really? How big? Like, 8 inches at least, right?” He could see Michael’s face lighting up onscreen, and noticed that he only had one dimple when he smiled. Asymmetric face shape, interesting. He would have to ask Gavin about that.

“I don’t know! Why would I know that?”

“Oh, c’mon Rye Bread. You know you want some of this sweet artificial lovin’.”

“Real funny, Michael.”

“I’m serious! When I finally get my awesome robot body, you should take me out some time.”

“Absolutely not. HR would fire me so many times over that my skin would actually start to physically burn.”

“I’ll talk to them about it.”

“Oh, will you?”

“Yeah, bring ‘em in here and I’ll give ‘em a stern talking to.” Michael makes an expression of confusion, then almost sheepishness as he finishes his sentence.

“You forgot you don’t have arms, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Happens to the best of us, don’t worry about it.”

“Yes, I’m sure the best human beings always forget that they’re just representations on a screen. I’m sure that’s a thing that always happens.”

“Are you jealous of us humans?”

“I’m jealous of your arms. Yours specifically, Ry. You look like you could fell a tree with those things, like, no axe needed, just tear the fucker down.”

“Careful, Michael. I might just start wearing my labcoat in the lab for once.”

“Aw, don’t ruin my view.”

“You make a convincing argument.”

“I know I do. I’m nothing if not convincing.”

Ryan looked at his watch, seeing that it was time for him to go. He looked back up to see Michael looking disappointed, his eyebrows knitted in seeming frustration.

“Time to go, huh?”

“Yep.”

“Going home to the wife and kids?”

“Nah, I don’t have either of those things. What I do have is more paperwork to do, mostly. Generic daily operations stuff. Might try to watch some reruns of It’s Always Sunny and pass out on the couch.”

“You could just stay here with me.”

“I really can’t Michael. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, no, I get it. Mark my words though, Haywood. I’m gonna get that date. You can bet your fucking bottom dollar on that.”

Ryan smiled, which brought the grin back to the AI’s face.

“Alright, I’ll take you up on that, then. Betting my bottom dollar, I suppose.”

“You’re a dork, Ryan.”

“So I’ve been told.”


	4. Androids Get Cold Too

Executing Michael.ai…

Executing Motor_Control_Program.andr…

Executing Synthetic_Circulatory_Control.andr…

Executing Synthetic_Muscular_System.andr…

Executing Synthetic_Digestive_System.andr…

Executing Synthetic_Respiration.andr…

Executing Synthetic_Cardiovascular.andr…

Executing Robo-dong.andr…

Michael.andr online.

 

Ryan could see the android’s eyes flutter open, his pupils dilating in the bright lights of the test lab. Michael’s face scrunched up, a hand going up to block out the highbeams of the fluorescents.

‘Good motor control. Already has control over basic functions.’ Ryan wrote down his conclusions on the clipboard in his hands, detailing each with a timestamp down to the millisecond.

Michael swung his legs over the side of the table, rubbing his eyes like he’d just woken up from a short nap instead of having been transferred from a huge server bank to a synthetic human body.

“You got glasses for me, Rye Bread? My vision is really shitty for being a robot.”

Ryan handed him his pair of wire-rimmed glasses, with a proud flourish. “You said you wanted glasses, you get vision that needs glasses.”

“Did I also get that 8-inch robot dick I asked for?” Michael stretched his arms over his head, then out in front of him. He wiggled his fingers, just looking at how the artificial joints articulated.

“How many times do I have to tell you? I have no clue as to the status of that exact function.”

“Do you want to see it now?” Michael gestured to the pair of shorts that were the only piece of clothing he was currently wearing.

“Michael.” Ryan tried to sound vaguely threatening, but failed completely, and sounded more like a stern father. Still, his tone caused Michael to laugh, and put his hands up in mock surrender, which was good enough.

“Alright, Rye Bread. Your loss. So, what else does this thing got? Super speed? Super strength?” The android’s voice rose in excitement as he continued, a look of childlike hope on his face.

“Not exactly. You’re basically just a synthetic human. Synthetic blood, synthetic bones, synthetic-“

“Synthetic dick?”

Ryan sighed, and Michael giggled like a madman on the table.

“I shouldn’t dignify that with a response, but yes. You also have perfectly manufactured synthetic hair and skin that’ll actually grow and tan like a real human. Everything is one hundred percent perfect, right down to the tissue between your metacarpals.”

“Am I supposed to know what those are?”

“Finger bones. Shouldn’t you already know that, what with being a robot and all?”

“Not connected to the internet anymore,” Michael replied, tapping the port on the back of his neck where the cables had been connected during the previous tests of the artificial body. “So, am I gonna be allowed to have clothes any time soon? ‘Cause it’s cold as dicks in here.” To illustrate his point, Michael wrapped his arms around himself and shivered.

“That just means the android is working correctly. But yes, we’ve got a bunch of clothes for you to choose from.”

“So Lindsay ordered me that ‘RIOT’ shirt I wanted?”

“Uh, I’m not sure about that. Most of it is just things we brought in from home.”

“Wow, really skimping out on me here.”

“We spent 7 million dollars on this state of the art android body, I think you can deal with wearing some of our hand me downs.”

“Fair enough. So what ya got for me, Rye Bread?”

Ryan retrieved a box from under the table, trying not to look too long at Michael’s bare chest. That would be weird. Would it be weird to be attracted to a robot? It was something Ryan had been thinking of a lot lately. For no particular reason, of course. He handed the box to Michael, who put it next to him on the table.

“Think I can get a few minutes to change?”

“Sure. Whatever you need, just let me know.”

“Well, I could use a meeting with HR.”

“Still not letting that go, are you? It’s been 3 months, Michael, they didn’t listen to you the first time, and they’re not going to listen now.”

“I was looking it up, though. Technically, I’m not an employee of the lab, so it’s fine.”

“Interesting point. Alright, I’m going to leave the room before I start seriously considering that.” Ryan backed away toward the door, feeling his face start to get red just at the thought of it. Going out on a date with an AI? That had to break at least one law or commandment or something. And yet…

“I’ll make sure to wear something real pretty,” Michael quipped back as the door closed.

After several minutes of waiting (during which Ryan looked up the exact code of conduct for dating robots, and found no results, then texted Lindsay about the question, to which she simply replied “;3c”), the door finally opened, and Michael stuck his head out to look for Ryan. When he saw him, his face bloomed into the cutest smile Ryan had ever seen. Goddamnit, he really had to stop having this kind of thoughts about this robot.

He ducked out of the doorway, and into the hallway, doing a little twirl like a little kid with a tutu.

“So, how do I look? I tried to match up the colors just a bit.” He had picked a pair of jeans, and black converse, but what struck Ryan most was the loose, grey tshirt he had pulled out of his closet this morning, and how natural it looked to see it on Michael.

“Looks great, Michael.”

“Like a real human?”

“About as real as me when I don’t have to dress up for work.”

Michael pulled at the collar of the shirt he was wearing. “I’m assuming this is yours.”

“Yeah, sure is. Looks better on you than it does on me, though.”

“Yeah, well, it was either this or that dumb “make mistakes” shirt or whatever.”

“Don’t say that around Doctor Ramsey, you might hurt his feelings.”

“Like I give a fuck.”

“That’s one of the three laws, isn’t it? Do no harm to another human?”

Michael seemed to think about that for a second, the metaphorical gears spinning in his silicon chip brain.

“I’m not exactly a full on, like, Asimov robot, though, am I? Is that all you guys see me as?” He seemed almost hurt by that, looking up into Ryan’s eyes with the most sincerity he’d ever seen the AI express.

“No, of course not! You’re…you’re a person. A synthetic person, sure, but you still have your own thoughts and feelings. Hell, you had them all the way back when you were still stuck in that text parser. You still managed to be funny and intelligent. You even started to fucking roast me the first time we booted you up. That’s gotta count for something, right? So no, you’re not a robot. You’re an experience.” Ryan rambled for almost a full minute, almost not noticing Michael stepping forward ‘til they were standing almost face to face.

“So, you think I’m a person. The world’s first artificial person?”

“Yes. I’m not supposed to tell you this, but technically, you’re out of the lab’s control. You’re a sentient being. Have been for a while. Just like me, or Lindsay, or Geoff, or even Gavin, though I’m not entirely sure he’s fully human either.” Michael giggled at that last bit, causing Ryan to realize just how close the android was to him. He could reach out and run a hand through his hair if he really wanted to. Which he kind of really wanted to…

“So you think I can have real emotions? Like anger?”

“I mean, you’re pissed off half the time anyway, so I’d assume you’re fully capable.”

“What about envy? Or jealousy?”

Ryan thought back to their conversation about whether or not he had a wife and kids, starting to see the picture come together.

“Yes, definitely.”

“What about…what about love? Is a machine like me capable of that?”

“You’re not a machine, Michael.”

“Just humor me for a second, Ry.”

“Yes. I think you have the capability to love.”

It’s funny how you can pretend to be having a completely normal conversation with someone while they’re only 3 inches away…


	5. Moving In

Ryan moved the last of the boxes into the back of the car, rearranging some things to make it fit. He looked back, seeing Michael chatting idly to Lindsay while he did all the work. Lazy android bastard.

He honestly didn’t even know why he had agreed to this part of the project. That was a lie, he knew exactly why he had agreed to it. The confines of the lab were beginning to chafe at Michael’s psyche (could AIs even have psyches?), and the firm had finally agreed that he could move out, as long as he was under constant supervision by members of the team and came in for regular testing.

And so Ryan had been the obvious choice to help him get on his feet, so to speak. His relationship with Michael was known by pretty much all the others, and so no one objected when Michael had asked to move in with him. That concept was still sinking into Ryan’s brain.

Michael was moving in with him. Like they were a wonderbread suburban couple with desk jobs and a shared dog instead of an influential scientist and his Artificial Human boyfriend that was constantly pissed about things for some reason (they’d done tests, but it wasn’t an imbalance, that’s just how Michael was).

Still, the change wasn’t entirely unwanted. It would be nice to get away from the sterile, white precincts of the lab for a while, and just spend some quality time together.

“Michael? Car’s packed whenever you’re ready to go,” he called across the lot. The lad said a quick goodbye to Lindsay, then bounded over.

“We ready to go, Rye Bread?”

“Yep, all set. You sure you still want to do this? We can always find someplace else if you’re having second-“

Michael put his hands on Ryan’s shoulders, looking him in the eye with his soft smile that always made Ryan’s heart melt. “Ryan, I’m completely sure. I might have a brain made of plastic chips, but I think I can make a decision this obvious.”

“Well, technically your brain is made of silicon and-“

“Alright, don’t get nerdy on me here. I was just making a joke.”

“Right, my bad. So, shall we get going?”

“Absolutely.”

A short drive later, during which Michael kept trying to shove multiple cds in the cd changer at once, and the pair had finally arrived at the house. It was a simple place, with plain tan siding and a quaint red shingled roof, but it was immaculately kept.

“Mi casa es su casa,” Ryan deadpanned, opening the door for Michael to get out of the car. The lad’s eyes widened at the sight of the place, which made Ryan chuckle.

“We can get the boxes later if you just want to see the inside,” he suggested.

“Hell yeah! Let’s see the place, then. By the way, you got a bar around here? We gotta get drunk to celebrate this shit.”

“First of all, you can’t drink, you’re a robot. Second of all, I don’t drink. So having a bar around would be a moot point.”

“Fair point, fair point,” Michael capitulated, practically dragging Ryan toward the front door. Ryan opened it and let them both in, tossing his keys onto the sidetable.

The entry and living room were decorated sparingly, mostly with posters and framed landscapes. Besides that, there was a cabinet full of games and a huge pc rig sitting forlornly in one corner.

“Not exactly one for interior design are you?” Michael asked.

“Nah. I design robots, not rooms. If it isn’t hideous and is functional, then it’s good enough for me.” Ryan shrugged. Extra furniture and things was never a concept he quite fully understood. He pulled Michael off toward the hall, and into the spare bedroom he’d set up the day before. It looked neat and tidy, and not at all a mess like the rest of the house.

“Voila, your room! I fixed it up all by myself,” Ryan said proudly, before turning to see a look of mixed confusion and amusement on Michael’s face. “What? What did I do wrong?”

“Ryan, we’re like, together, right? As in, we’re dating? We go on dates?”

“Yes. Well, at least I thought we were.”

“We are, as far as I’m concerened. Which is why I’m confused.”

“What do you mean?”

“You do know that people that are, y’know, together, they sleep in the same bed, right?”

“Ah, might have overlooked that bit.”

Michael burst out laughing, which made Ryan crack up too.

“We’re really bad at this whole ‘relationship’ thing, aren’t we?” Michael asked, wiping his face with his sweatshirt sleeve.

“Well, in your defense, you’re technically only a year and a half old.”

“Does that make you a cradle robber, Rye Bread?”

“Well, I created the cradle. And the person I robbed from it. That thought got really weird really fast, I’m just going to pretend I never said that.”

“So you don’t want me to start calling you ‘daddy’?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Whatever you say, father figure.”

Ryan couldn’t help but let out an exasperated sigh, which sent Michael into another giggle fit. Ryan pulled Michael out of the room, and back out into the living room. The sun shining in from sliding glass doors filtered in, glinting off of Michael’s curls, which Ryan found completely adorable. He leaned down just slightly and pressed a kiss to the still giggling android’s forehead.

“Ooh, Ryan!” Michael mockgasped, covering his mouth with one hand like an offended socialite. “What would the neighbors think?”

“Fuck the neighbors,” Ryan replied, only half joking. “They can just deal with it.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure they might not want to fuck a robot, but I guess I could ask.”

“It was an expression, Michael. Please don’t actually bang my neighbors.”

“I knew that. I was just making a joke, Ry.”

“Well, you know, I get worried. Maybe old lady Jenkins down the street’ll steal you from me, and then what’ll I do?”

“Nah, you’re the only guy for me, Rye Bread. I love you too much to cheat on you with some old bitch.”

“Hey, let’s not slander the good name of Mrs. Jenkins. She’s a very nice woman.” Ryan pulled Michael into a hug, resting his chin on the shorter lad’s head. “I love you too, Michael,” he said, his voice softening into almost a whisper.

“We’re going to turn out okay, aren’t we?” Michael asked, wrapping his arms around Ryan’s back. His hands were exceptionally warm, despite being fully synthetic.

“Yeah, we’re going to be just fine.”

**Author's Note:**

> The original title for this was "Who Slams Doors? Androids, Androids Slam Doors." but then I realized that no doors get slammed in the fic at all. Oops? Also, the format is a little wonky in the first few chapters. Bear with me, it gets better, I promise.


End file.
